A Bit Of Fun To Drain Away The Formality Of Life...

[Shaft]

Hi peeps,

I don't know where, how or why this idea came to me from, but eh, oh... Lets give it a go.

Perhaps it might be a laugh, bit of a break or just a general pick-me-up to try this.

 

So who knows the world's most groan worthy joke then? Could it be you?

If this gets going, i'll set a poll up when we have a good number to choose from and see who can be named as RHOCaR's worst joke winner?

 

I'll get the ball rolling with:

 

What do you call a Frenchmen who's wearing sandals?

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Phillippe Phelloppe

 

Sorry... 'tis supposed to be bad though!

 

In light of recent comments about the atmosphere on here recently; are you playing along? Or are you a misery?

The number of posted jokes versus the number of topic views should be a good indicator of peoples mindset.

 

Nick

[Guest kleighton]

he he.....

 

I went to a wedding on Saturday, it was an emotional wedding, even the cake was in tears.

[Guest bob13]

I wonder if we'll ever use glass coffins... Remains to be seen

[Al Milton]

Got a new hoover for the wife - it was a fair swap.....

[Guest Leaner]

The other day a bloke offered me a go on his ice rink for 10p . I thought ,"what a fu**ing cheap skate".

 

Bernie

[Guest Leaner]

Paddy and Mick go on a rollercoaster. Mick says 2 Paddy ,"if we turn upside down do u think we,ll fall out? Paddy says "will we heck ,we,ve been mates for years"

[spg]

One of my favorites

 

Why is the sand wet

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Because the sea weed

[Guest Sharky]

When I was a lad, people used to smother me in chocolate, pour cream over me and put cherries on my head ..................... yes life was tough in the gateaux!

 

I thank you!

 

I'm here all week you know!

 

Ok, I'll get me coat ...............

 

Sharky

[Guest mikebloomfield]

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

no idea.

[steve_wilson]

why did the baker have smelly hands?

 

because he kneaded a poo

 

[Derek]

Job Hunt

 

 

 

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,

 

but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

 

 

 

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just

 

couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

 

 

 

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it

 

mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

 

 

 

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that

 

was too exhausting.

 

 

 

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little

 

spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

 

 

 

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way

 

I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

 

 

 

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found

 

I wasn't noteworthy.

 

 

 

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't

 

have any patience.

 

 

 

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard

 

but just didn't fit in.

 

 

 

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered

 

I couldn't live on my net income.

 

 

 

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool

 

 

Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

 

 

 

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I

 

wasn't fit for the job.

 

 

 

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally

 

got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no

 

future in it.

 

 

 

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit

 

because it was the same old grind.

 

 

 

15. SO, I TRIED Retirement

 

 

 

AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

 

 

[Guest Kingpin]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

 

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

 

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

 

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

 

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

 

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

 

"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

 

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

 

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

 

"I'm a plasterer."

 

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

 

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

 

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

 

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus.

He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

 

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

 

"Get him to give me a call."

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

 

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

 

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.

 

"Where is it?"

 

"At the circus," Says the barman.

 

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

 

"That's right," Replies the barman.

 

"The circus?" The duck asks again.

 

with the big tent?"

 

"Yeah," the barman replies.

 

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

 

"Of course," the barman replies.

 

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

 

"That's right!" says the barman.

 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

[Guest dinger]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

 

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

 

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,

perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly

dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife

and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

 

The wife smiles demurely and says,! 'You should be thankful your radar

detector went off when it did.'

 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar

detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched

teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

 

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your

seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

 

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it

off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my

back pocket.'

 

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your

seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver

turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always

talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love this part.... :

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Only when he's p*ssed

[Guest dinger]

Here's a contraversal one, although it is only a joke,,,,,

 

 

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes??????????????????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing! you've already told her twice,,, Boom Tishhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Guest The Modfather]

Daphne, the dead duck

 

 

A lady takes her beloved duck Daphne to the vet, as it was not responding to her calls.

The vet takes Daphne from her arms, lays it carefully on the examination table, takes agood look over Daphne, draws a breath and says, "Madam, I'm afraid your duck had passed away".

"Dead, Daphne isn't dead, surely?"

"I'm afraid so madam".

"Perhaps she is just in a heavy sleep, or a coma?"

"No madam, your duck is dead"

"But you haven't even checked for a pulse, or used your stethoscope".

"Madam, I do not need to, this duck is definately dead" replies the vet starting to lose his cool.

"I don't agree with you" says the lady. The vet washes his hands and leaves the room, to return shortly with a Labrador Retriever dog.

The dog jumps up with his paws on the table, and starts to sniff the duck from head to toe, licks the ducks face, sits back onto the floor, whines and shakes it's head. The vet takes the dog out and brings in a Siamese cat. The cat jumps onto the table, again sniffs the duck head to toe, and again licks the ducks face. The cat jumps onto the floor, lifts one paw over his eyes and shakes his head giving a light meow. The vet opens and door and the cat leaves the room.

"As I said madam, your duck is definately dead" The vet then goes to his computer and prints out a bill for £150, and hands it to the lady.

"£150, £150 for you to tell me that Daphne is dead, that's proposterous",

 

 

 

"Well madam, the bill would only have been £20 for my examination, but you disregarded my assessment, so I had a lab report done as well as a cat scan"

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