Man Walks Into A Pub Jokes.....

[richardm6994]

Lets have a laugh!! Post the funniest "man walks into a pub" joke...

 

I heard this one yesterday and it really got me laughing.....

 

Man walk into a bar with a huge bag. He says to the barman......

"If I can impress you with an amazing trick, can I have a free pint?"

 

Or course says the barman...

 

So the man opens his bag and pulls out a crocodile. He places the croc on the pool table and opens it's mouth! He then undoes his fly and sticks his willy in the crocs mouth.....he stands like this for 30 seconds and then to finish the trick he smacks the croc over the head with a pool que with his willy still in the crocs mouth!!!

 

Unharmed, the man takes a bow and drinks his free pint!! The barman announces...

"if anyone else can do that, they can have a free pint"

 

The bar goes silent until a little old lady's voice shouts up from the back...

 

"I'll do it.....but please don't hit me as hard with the pool que!!!!"

 

 

 

 

[Guest chrispine]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra a woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one

[Guest shaggy]

_{why do Frenchmen only have one egg for breakfast?}

_{Because one egg is en euff}

[Mitch]

simon, is that the only joke you know !!!! :rofl:

[Mitch]

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May-Day.

 

"May-Day! May-Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.

And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

 

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

 

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear.

 

I will talk you through this and Get you back on the ground.

 

I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine!

 

Now give me your height and position."

 

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

 

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....

 

 

"Repeat after me: Our Father... Who art in Heaven..."6

[Guest MarkB]

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavoured crisps?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

[Guest MarkB]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,

the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and

eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool

table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in

his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you

see what your monkey just did?"

 

"No, what?"

 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.

Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

 

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and

leaves.

 

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a

drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing

his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it

up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

 

 

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and

eats it.

 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

 

"No, what?" replied the man.

 

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and

ate them!" said the bartender.

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in

sight, but ever since he had to *bleep* that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

[richardm6994]

10 minutes later and I'm still chuckling at the monkey joke!!! That one will be doing the rounds at work on Monday!! Cheers mark

[Simon Parish]

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.

 

He walks up to the bar orders a pint for himself, a vodka and coke for the ostrich and a brandy for the cat.

 

The barman serves them and says £10.50 please. The cat says “I’m not paying that!”

 

The man pays the barman and they drink their drinks.

 

5 minutes later the man orders the same round of drinks, they barman serves them and asks for payment. Again the cat says “I’m not paying that!” The man pays the barmen and they drink their drinks.

 

This goes on all night and finally the barman calls last orders. The man orders another round of drinks, then barman severs them and asks for payment, again the cat says “I’m not paying that!”

 

The barman gives the man his change and asks “what’s going on here chap, every time I say how much the round of drinks costs then cat says “I’m not paying that”

 

So the man tells him “On my way to the pub I saw this lamp in the hedgerow, I rubbed it and this genie appeared. He said he would grant me one wish. After a bit of thinking I asked for a tall bird with a tight pussy – this is what I got!”

[Andi]

A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says, " why the long face"

[Tazzzzman1]

A man walks into the bar looking really down and sad....

 

The bartender asks him, "What's the matter?" The man explains that he'd had a major argument with his wife and she told him she wasn't going to speak to him for a month.

 

The sympathetic bartender says, "Awww, that's all right, a month will pass in no time."

 

The man says, "That's the problem, it's up today."

[Tazzzzman1]

A man rushes into a bar, orders the 10 most expensive 30-year-old single malts in the house and has the barman line them up in front of him.

Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. (sounds like Whiz... )

"Whew," the barman remarks, "You seem to be in a hurry."

"You would be too if you had what I have," the man replies.

"Why, what do you have?", the barman asks sympathetically.

 

"Fifty pence."

[Stewart]

Two statues in a monastry garden one is a teenage boy one is a teenage girl,a fairy godmother lands in the garden and says to them for services rendered I will grant you one wish,they said we wished we were human she replied I can grant that but for only half an hour,thats long enough for what we wont they said she waved her magic wand and they dissapeared behind the nearest bush. After about fifteen minutes they reappeared and the lad said that was wonderful I have waited along time to do that,the girl said I enjoyed it to we still have some time left shall we do it again but lets do it different::::::::::::this time you hold the pigeon and I will s--t on it