Hangover Classifications

[Al Milton]

One Star Hangover *

 

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively

 

well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel

 

this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

 

 

 

Two Star Hangover **

 

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you

 

have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is

 

only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity

 

pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite

 

havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

 

 

 

Three Star Hangover ***

 

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.

 

Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the

 

flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life

 

would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy

 

reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a

 

diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.

 

 

 

Four Star Hangover ****

 

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else

 

you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has

 

given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that

 

can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the

 

ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper

 

cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.

 

Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five sh*ts you

 

take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the

 

bathroom.

 

 

 

Five Star Hangover *****

 

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the

 

employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every

 

pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners

 

of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of

 

the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so

 

your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the

 

hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to

 

defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid

 

with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems

 

to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty

 

good about right now.... !

 

 

 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

 

Innovative

 

Preliminary

 

Proliferation

 

Cinnamon

 

Indubitably

 

 

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

 

British Constitution

 

Passive-aggressive disorder

 

Loquacious

 

Transubstantiate

 

 

 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

 

Thanks, but I don't want to have s*x!

 

Nope, no more booze for me!

 

Sorry, but you're not really my type...

 

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

 

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!