Friday Rant

[Longboarder]

Isn't it strange. One of the first signs of Dinosaur-ism is becoming involved in those futile arguments with some pimply minion of a powerful organisation like a bank or the council when despite knowing you're right, you are met with a confident and absolute denial, accompanied with that patronising, pitying 'Poor old buffer, he's losing it' expression that confirms that even if the pimply minion’s brain cell was actually switched on he wouldn’t bother using it. (Ref.1)

 

Frinstance, for the first 20 years of having a bank account I had been able to go into my branch of Lloyds (not in those days with added TSB, let alone HBOS) be greeted courteously by name and ask for and be given a cheque book, ready printed with my name and account numbers on it. I clearly remember the clerk being able to go to a cupboard behind the counter, pull out a batch of chequebooks held together with a rubber band and hand me the next in sequence there and then. Not a facility I needed to use often but sometimes in the interests of efficiency I saved up the household bills with the intention of paying them all at the end of the month. This is also known as ignoring the first one and the red one that comes next and finally only responding to the stern letter that threatens to send the bailiffs round, put you and the wife on the streets and sell the children into slavery unless you pay £3 10s.6d. by last Tuesday. OK, you may think I’m not very organised but I had a busy life and there were often several bills along these lines needing paying urgently. When the frantic hunt finally turned up a chequebook from some unlikely place like the top shelf of the fridge where it had been for a couple of months after randomly coming out of a tesco carrier stuck to the back of a half pound packet of streaky bacon, Sods Law would apply and it simply ran out before the demands of all the pressing creditors could be answered. (Ref. 2.) This was just such a situation that the old system covered and a quick dash to the bank would procure a new chequebook and keep the bailiffs from the door.

 

Then Lloyds in their wisdom scrapped that system and a new chequebook is now sent from their depot in Timbuktu, triggered by someone presenting the fifth last cheque in your book for payment. That strangely doomed 5th last cheque. It’s the one you use in the hardware store but the old bat who does the books, only banks the cheques at the end of the month to save her time. Or it’s the one you use to pay a mate for an old coil he gives you and he decides not to cash it cos you’re mates and both petrol heads and the coil had been sculling round the garage for years and he doesn’t even know if it works and you gave him a mini wheelbox last month, etc. Or it’s the one you sent for a mail order bit and they send it back cos they’ve stopped taking cheques or it’s the one where you have a brain storm and sign your name where you should write the amount in words and you binned it. Anyway it’s becomes one of those cheques that never goes through the system. So your new chequebook never comes and you run out of cheques. Now when this happened a few years ago just after the system changed I went down to the bank and asked for a new book.

‘I can order you one’ I was told.

‘You don’t have any here’ I asked.

‘Sorry we don’t do that’ he says.

‘But I always call in for a new chequebook’ says I.

‘They are sent by post. We don’t keep any in the branch.’ says he.

‘Oh, when did this change’ said I.

Cue pimply minions pitying expression and ‘We’ve never done that sir!’ (Ref. 3.)

 

If you’re still up to speed with the modern world you recognise the signs, suck it up and order the chequebook without turning a hair and think about phoning on the mobile to see if they will take payment by credit card. If however you are a confirmed dino then the futility continues, the irritation grows and is compounded by pimply minions responses like ‘the present system is much better’ or ‘far more efficient’. I become more ‘difficult’ with comments like ‘So me leaving without a chequebook is so much more efficient than leaving with one?’ and ‘How long have you suffered from amnesia? Sorry, that’s unfair of me as you probably can’t remember can you?’ A true dino like me is somehow forced to continue these encounters till the killer response ‘Our other customers are happy with the service, Sir!’ finally brings the conversation to a point where even I know it’s time to stop before said pimply minion hits the panic button and security escorts me from the premises. What’s even more galling than these encounters and my failure to avoid them is the certain knowledge that later that evening, pimply and his mates are going to be wetting themselves laughing in the Dog and Duck as he tells the story of this stupid old tosser he had in the bank earlier who shouldn’t be let out on his own. I wish I didn’t believe it.

 

Nigel

 

Ref.1

Sods Law. 5. i. a. The intelligence of any expert employed by customer services to assist the customers will be marginally less than a potato.

Ref.2

Sods Law. 2. ii b. The number of items that can be found in an emergency after an extensive and exhaustive search will be one less than is actually needed.

Ref.3

Sods Law. 5. i.a. The helpfulness of any person employed by customer services is inversely proportional to degree of monopoly of their organisation.

[Guest john]

Brilliant! Now I don't feel quite so bad after a truly awful week

 

Thanks, from a fellow Dino.

 

 

btw.....do you remember a sketch on Not the Nine O Clock news featuring Griff and the other guy ( can't remember, typical ) serving an old codger in a Hifi shop, who obviously did not know his needle from his woofer, and they just took the rise wickedly ?

Well I feel like that guy at times now ,

Think we need a club for Dino's, or is that what SAGA is for ?

[BigLee]

I love your posts Nigel. Excellent. You should write for a living !!!!Oh I forgot you obviosuly dont have a life anymore....

 

All the best Lee

[Guest salty_monk]

Silly old git

[Guest gdc]

nigel

 

you need to write a book

your descriptions of mundane things is to say the leaste entertaining, not just your last

but several things before. so jk whats the book called .

god shes got good t t s what do you have ?

 

graham

[fry61]

His typing is brilliant for an old SOG who's loosing the plot & his attention span is great to get though that epic post.

[Guest Ian & Carole]

Silly old git

 

 

You were in the "Dog and Duck" the other night then Dan

 

Brilliant Nigel just brilliant

[Guest TerryBarry]

As an addition to a rant concerning the service given by one's bank

I recently received a communication from my lot (HSBC) - when I first opened my account it was the Midland Bank, how come it suddenly changed to a load of chinese I still don't understand.

This recent letter contained the following "Many of you said that you'd prefer better savings products than getting a very ordinary 0.1% AER rate of credit interest on a current account. So we won't be paying credit interest on Current Account Advance".

What percentage is "many" I wonder, I for one would have prefered a couple of extra percent interest on my credit and I'm sure I'm not alone.

Now I wonder if it's worth the hassle of shifting my account to another bank who do pay interest on current accounts and which one should I choose - HBOS; B&B; Northern Rock; well maybe not.

[Guest Bob's Babe]

Nigel that was inspired!!

 

You need to copy it to Pete fpr inclusion in the next mag....every club member should have the chance to read your insightful wisdom

 

SUE

[Joel]

....every club member should have the chance to read your insightful wisdom

 

Yes, "Longboarder's Lament" should be a regular feature