A Bit Of Fun To Drain Away The Formality Of Life...

[Guest scrabster]

shame about the cabin on corrie being flattened by a tram,also a shame about rita being flattened by 12 double deckers......

[David S]

2 arials met on a roof, fell in love and eventually married. The service wasn't very good but the reception was brilliant!

[Mitch]

I am . is the shortest sentance in the english language

 

I Do. on the other hand, is the longest !!!!!

[Guest The Modfather]

A length of rope went to a fancy dress party.

Another guest said "Are you a piece of string?"

The rope replied, "No, I'm afraid not!"

[Guest smartfazer]

Who's been opening their Christmas Crackers early then????????

 

There are some real groaners here!

 

For all you veterans like me out there, here's a Noel Edmunds "unfun"

 

A boy goes into a bakers and asks for a loaf of bread.

 

The baker says "certainly son, brown or white?".

 

The boy replies " it doesn't matter I have got my bike outside".

 

Don't you just luv'em???

 

Steve

[Andi]

2 indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both were rushed to hospital ...one's in a korma and the other's got a dodgy tikka

[philshelton]

2 indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both were rushed to hospital ...one's in a korma and the other's got a dodgy tikka

like it Andi

I had a chicken tarka the other night its like a tikka but a little otter

[Guest The Modfather]

If someone collects magazines, do they have a lot of issues?

[Al Milton]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30 this morning

 

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums

[Guest scrabster]

dont you just hate it when your finger goes through the toilet paper mid wipe.......................despite all this i am enjoying my new job at the old folks home!

[Guest scrabster]

the missus said to me the other day"i wish i had a pound for every time you call me fat" i said you bleedin have!:vava:

[Redspec]

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

 

 

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.

 

 

"You already know how to play football!" :friends:

[Guest Chutney]

Right, a scaffolder told me this, so don't blame me if your offended;

 

 

My wife has banned sex cos she said I'm too dirty in bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was so shocked I almost spat her piss out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry guys

[Guest AdrianH]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

 

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

 

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Tazer.

 

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to

safety....??

 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

 

AWESOME!!!

 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking

that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

 

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to

give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer

in another.

 

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major

loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries);

pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a

tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

 

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE...!!!

 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over

again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to

be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

 

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid

getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered

conservative!

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the

landscape.

 

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed

88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

 

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm

offering a significant reward for their safe return!

 

P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

 

Regards

Phil

 

An old one

 

Adrian

[stevedohc2b]

"I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1.

Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full.

Come on, how can you turn that down?"

 

Stephen